OKAY. So, I never ever do posts like this. BUT I've been feeling inspired lately. & it's getting closer to Valentine's Day. And I thought I'd do you guys a solid and write about something else other than fashion.
I read this post on Facebook a couple weeks ago, and it was titled something like "I hope my next love is nothing like my last". So of course I read it, cause I read everything and anything about love because I'm SUCH a hopeless romantic. LOL.
Anyway, It was literally my love life. Everything this chick was saying was about my first love. I was thinking "holy shit, this is my dopple ganger". That's how you spell it right? Whatever.
And I was inspired. Bam.
So, I decided to post on my blog my version of my love life. NOT because I feel like posting my whole breakup/makeup/lovey dovey/mushy/pity/etc. love experiences on social media. But just how this one girl, who I don't even know, inspired me so much, and I hope to inspire someone also. And I feel like this is my closure.
It was sophomore year, 15 years old, and awkward as shit. I thought I was so cool, just like every new sophomore on their first few weeks of high school. This is my year I thought. And I was right. Sophomore year of high school changed my whole life. Well, I guess high school changed my life. Which, isn't a bad thing. Just a new thing.
THEN,
I met this guy.
Who completely turned my life upside down, inside out, and every which way you could think of.
He ended up being my first love. And the first guy to completely break me down & tear me apart.
I always wanted a high school sweetheart. ever since I was little. I would watch all of these love movies, and I would dream of holding hands in the hall, and him bringing me flowers, and drawing his name all over my notebook. And that is what happened to me.
Our love was such a deep and passionate love. It was what every girl dreamed of for the first year. He was everything to me. I thought I was gonna marry this guy. I had my WHOLE life planned out with him. I was so naive and brainwashed in high school. I think, not in a bad way, it was because I grew up in Draper, which is a very mormon central town. That I started to get this mindset of waiting for him on his mission and then marrying him right when he got home. And having this amazing, wonderful, magical life together. I was so set on this plan of mine. And of course, after a year of lust, and happiness, and everything else. It started to get bad. We started to get very emotionally and verbally abusive to each other. We constantly would be fighting about nothing. It was always always a get back game with him. I would do something wrong, then he would to get back at me, and I would, and it was just a cycle. But in my mind, I was so deeply & madly in love with him that I thought this was okay, because couples fight and get through it. No. The love we had wore me out. Exhausted me. And broke me down. I felt so suffocated and so hurt. But, I felt like I couldn't leave. I was stuck. He was my high school sweetheart. How could I leave him? We went to the same school. We had our whole lives planned out together. Another year passes, and of course we had amazing times. But we also had horrible times. He was the type of guy who was very possessive and controlling. Which, at the time was me thinking that he cared so much and didn't want to lose me. Which, I guess is partly true. He would constantly bring me down and hurt me without knowing it. And me being the little innocent high schooler, let it happen. All the time. It had been such a long and hard journey for us that I felt like if I left, I was throwing away my dream. I was throwing away everything in my heart. My heart ached when he was gone, and my heart ached when he was there. I was so confused and hurt and so in love that I didn't know what to do. I don't really remember what happened, we either left each other, I left him, he left me. It doesn't matter. What matters is that we finally left the unhealthy relationship. I was heart broken. Completely and utterly heart broken. I cried so much I could have filled up multiple bath tubs. I was depressed. I wouldn't go out. I would always think about him. I would be so mad and hurt at MYSELF. How could I let him go? I am so in love. My friends would say, "You'll find another love like him, someone better, someone hotter, someone nicer". ETC. And I thought to myself, if this is how love is, I don't want it at all. I don't want a love that completely exhausts me and breaks me down to the bone. I don't want to every feel love again. I don't ever wish this pain and heart break on someone. And then life goes on and so does time. And I was by myself. And that is exactly what I needed. I needed to be alone. I needed to be heart broken. I needed to feel pain and suffering. Because all of that made me such a stronger person. I found myself. I found how strong I could be, how brave I could be, and that I can be alone. Yes, of course, I thought about him constantly, even when I dated another boy. He was on my mind. But, it was more of a "I hope he's doing okay". And not a "I wish I was with him" kinda thought. I was FINALLY starting to get over him. And it hurt, like a bitch. But, we both knew it was better. And he fought for me, he wanted me back, only when he saw that I wasn't there to take his bullshit. It was an invigorating time for me. I felt like I was becoming the Audrey I was supposed to be this whole time. I do not regret my relationship with him. I actually appreciate it and cherish it. He was my first love. He taught me how much you can love someone unconditionally, how to sacrifice something you want for someone you love, and he taught me so so much that I am forever grateful for. He gave me my first love and he gave me a high school sweetheart and my first heart break, he gave me life experiences that I'll take with me for the rest of my life. He will forever be in my heart and I can't take him out. He will always be a chapter in my life. But, that chapter is over. And I'm not sad anymore.
And then, I met Zach.
Zach made my perspective of love completely change. He is so different from any guy I have ever dated. We have grown together the past year and a half. He changed my life. He taught me what real love is supposed to be like. He is so kind and loving. He is my better half. He encourages me, supports me, and loves me. And I am forever in his debt. He is my person. I couldn't imagine my life without him. I miss him when he's gone, and love him so much when he's with me. I can't explain what he has done for me, & I hope for what I've done for him. I love him to bits and pieces. I hope everyone ends up with person like Zach. Cause you'll be lucky for the rest of your life. God answered my prayers and sent me the greatest man I've ever met. He is so handsome and so good looking it kills me. I don't tell him enough how much I appreciate him. And I should. Of course we fight, and we get annoyed, and we wanna punch each other. But we also love, and laugh, and create memories that I will forever keep safe in my heart. I owe so much to Zach, for inspiring me, for loving me, for supporting me, for keeping me safe, and making me feel adored and treasured. I can't wait to see what the future has in store for us. And I can't wait to see how our love grows. <3
OKAY THANKS 4 READING MY LOVE RANT.
Hope all you babes find some type of inspiration from this post, and feel free to share your love story with me. B/c I LOVE any type of love story.
xoxo,
Audrey
☾
